In memoriam - Wídfara of Rohan

Wídfara's footers

Wídfara was well-known for her funny and often-changed footers. Aerlinn collected a number of them to share and remember her by.

Scene: Bag End
Frodo: Alright, we put it away. We keep it hidden. We never speak of it again. No one knows it’s here, do they? Do they Gandalf?
Gandalf: There is one other who knew that TORn had a discussion board. I looked everywhere for the creature Peter Jackson. But Hollywood found him first. I don’t know how long they tempted him. Amidst the endless screams and inane babble, they discerned two words:

Peter Jackson: Three!!! Films!!!
Frodo: Three. Films. But that would lead them here!
Scene cuts to the Main Board:
stridersunusedrazor: Hi y’all! This is my first post!
Boromir-Boromir-He’s-My-Man: Hi. I’m new!
Gollum’s Tailor: Newbie on board!
Sockful-of-Bagginses: Howdy!
Lobelia’s good-looking sister: New poster here!



Scene: Council of Elrond
Elrond: "…one of you must do this."
*Silence*
Wídfara, rising: "Lookee here, Chief. You saying you need someone to take this here ring to Monroe, Louisiana?"
Elrond: "To Morrrrrdorrrrrrr."
Wídfara: "That’s what I said. Monnnnnrrrrrrrooooe. Well, you in luck. I got my El Camino out back and it’s all gassed up. If me and PeeWee here *gestures to an alarmed Frodo* leave now, even if we stop off at the bait shop for beef jerky and a Yoo Hoo, well, I can git the little feller to Monroe by Wednesday. What’d ya say?"
Boromir, rising, exasperated: "One does not simply drive into Monroe..."
Wídfara, interrupting: "Don’t give me any of your lip, Dwayne. Sittin’ over there back-talking everybody." *to Legolas* "Hey Slim. Need a ride?"




Scene: The Mines of Moria
Frodo looks down into the cavern and sees a small figure leaping from stone to stone. Startled, he walks over to where Gandalf is sitting.
Frodo: There’s something down there.
Gandalf: It’s Wídfara.
Frodo: Wídfara?!
Gandalf: She’s been following us for three days.
Frodo: She escaped the dungeons of Graceland!
Gandalf: Escaped. Or was set loose.
From the distance below, Wídfara looks up, her large eyes pierce the darkness and observe the company.
Wídfara: Excuse me, Mr. McKellen, Mr. Wood? Could I trouble you for an autograph? It’s not for me; it’s just to make my TORnsibs jealous.
Holds out pen and paper.
Peter Jackson: CUT!!! Where the #&%% is Serkis?
Wídfara: You mean that extremely limber man? I gave him a ten-spot to sit this one out.
Peter Jackson: Security!!!




Gandalf and Elrond watch Wídfara and Sam from the balcony in Elrond's study
Elrond: Her strength returns.
Gandalf: That belly button piercing will never fully heal. She will carry it the rest of her life.
Elrond: And yet to have come so far, still bearing the belly button ring, the quizmistress has shown extraordinary resilience to its evil.
Gandalf: It is a burden she should never have had to bear. We can ask no more of Wídfara.
Wídfara, overhearing and shouting up: Hey, G! *waves* What’d you want to ask me?
Gandalf, confused: N...Nothing. *attempting to stick to the script* Go on, Elrond, with what you were saying.
Elrond, startled: Um, er... Oh! Gandalf, the enemy is moving. Sauron's forces are massing in the east — his eye is fixed on Rivendell. And Saruman you tell me has betrayed us. Our list of allies grows thin.
Wídfara, moving toward the balcony and shouting up: Hey, Ronny! I love how you say "thin." Say it again!
Elrond, pleased, looking over the railing: Thin!
Wídfara, to Sam: Hot dang!
Elrond, coming to his senses: Gandalf, that belly button ring cannot stay here.
Gandalf: *snort* Ya think?





Scene: Caras Galadhon, Lothlórien
The weary Fellowship stands waiting. Celeborn and Galadriel slowly descend the stairs.
Celeborn: "Eight that are here, yet nine there were set out from Rivendell. Tell me, where is my personality, for I much desire to see it."
Nervous silence.
Galadriel: "It has fallen into shadow."
Aragorn confirms this with an almost imperceptible nod.
Galadriel continues: "Your quest to become a nightclub comic stands upon the edge of a knife. Bore just a little, and you will fail, to the ruin of all." Pauses, scanning the faces of the Fellowship. "But hope remains, if the company is funny. Samwise might write you some one-liners while he’s here."
Samwise: "ZZZZzzzzzzz."
Everyone except the sleeping Samwise looks at Celeborn expectantly.
Marton Csokas: "What?! I only had the one line. Look, you people can stray from the script if you want ... "
Peter Jackson: "CUT!!"




Class. Class! CLAAAAAASSSS!!!
The din diminishes imperceptibly. Ms. Wídfara smoothes her dress and straightens her cat-eye glasses.
Today we’re going to study LOTR vocabulary. Read the definitions on the board taps on chalkboard with pointer and we’ll discuss them in five minutes.
She collapses into her wooden teacher’s chair and dreams of a career in pharmaceutical sales, complete with many free samples.

Morgoth = evil
More Goeth = very evil
Númenor = ancient home of the Dúnedain
Oldmenor = before they redecorated it
mellon = friend
watermellon = friend from the swim team
2 minute teaser = trailer
4 minute preview = doublewide trailer

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